For so long I have had an identity, identities plural I suppose, titles that I made and confirmed WHO I WAS. It was never a difficult question for me to answer when someone asked what I did, qualities I liked about myself or where I was headed next. I was confident, I was secure and I had esteem. When you think esteem issues my guess would be all of us would defer back to our adolescent years when what was "cool" and being "hot" was not something limited to only changing with the weather. But not me, I was steady and secure. The soccer player, The pianist, The sewer, The socialite, The fish processor, The student, The 1st counselor, the girlfriend, The wake boarder, The snowboarder, The business owner, The counselor, The crisis worker and the wife. These are all labels I have worn throughout my life, some mutually exclusive while others simultaneous and some I still wear today. I have always been 2 steps ahead of myself, when I settled into something else, I had something in the wings that was always waiting for me to transition in to. My life has mostly been the pursuit and obtaining of something and I've always had something to obtain and pursue. AND I have always felt right about it...until now. At 27 when my current identities feel like old worn out clothing and yet I have nothing to change in to. I know who I have been but I continue to struggle with who I am right now. The question that replays in my mind like an old 8-track on repeat is this: How am I supposed to be spending my time right now? To be honest with you, when I look into the future I currently don't see anything, not like a depressive state where the future is bleak but I literally don't see anything. The canvas remains blank and I the painter stare eyes glazed with paint and brush in hand and no idea of what to paint next. The obvious next hat to wear is Mother, but what does that look like? A part of me wonders if this is my maker's way of finally turning to HIM to ask who I am, my purpose and how I should be spending my time. If that is the plan, it's working.--@DP
2 comments:
Deep thoughts, Kris. I love when people are so open and honest in their posts. It makes me love them so much more. I loved you so much reading this. Thank you for sharing such personal feelings.
How exciting to be in the question. It can lead you in so many directions. Doesn't if feel nice not knowing for once?! Though a bit uncomfortable (or should I say foreign) someday sooner than you can image there will be paint on that canvas.... living into the question is a beautiful process! Or is that process the trusting of the Lord??
Thanks for your openness!
I think we all have times in our lives where we question what we should be doing with our time. And truthfully, nobody could every imagine what "mother" looks like until they come one! I will tell you for sure though...It is the MOST joyful feeling you will ever feel in your entire life. Just remember that the Lord knows you and loves you, and will let you know what you should be doing with your time! Miss you!
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