Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Mommy Dearest
Oh for the last 2 months or so there have been feelings, impressions, call it what you will...but thoughts in my heart about becoming a mom. I say they are feelings in my heart because my mind kicks into over drive countering any idea of the mother notion. Fact: I'm not baby hungry. Fact: I have selfish motives for not having children right now. Fact: I'm scared I won't be able to get pregnant. Fact: I don't want to give up my independence. Truth: There is something bigger than me and all my facts pushing me in a direction I'm not ready for nor do I feel like I will ever be ready for. Two dogs are hard enough, take a lot of work, and are expensive. I have always liked to idea of kids because they haven't ever been so close to a reality. Now that I am at a point in my life where I could actually have, care for and provide for a child...the idea isn't so swell. My friend brought over a book called, "I am a Mother." I am trying to get through it, but it's very hard for me because I am just not ready to go there yet. There is a part of me that knows once you go there, there is no going back and that's just scary. I'm a youngest, I didn't have any younger siblings, younger cousins...I don't know how to be a mom or care for babies. I don't even know how to hold them upright when their necks are still wobbly. I haven't changed a diaper in literally a decade...at least. I had a great mother growing up and have a great mother now. My sister is a great mother, I love her kids. I love her kids because they are not my kids. I think when I was little I thought you'd arrive when you were an adult and life would just become simple because you knew it all and well, you were an adult so you had feelings and outlook like an adult. So I guess I ask, where is the adult in me? Where is the mother in me? Where do I fit in this whole thing right now in my life?
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12 comments:
You don't know me but i am a friend of Lacey and Aimee so that is how i came to find this blog. This posting touched me as i am a mother of 2. I became a mother at 24 (not planned) and I will not lie it is hard and it can complicate things BUT it is also the most wonderful, incredible miracle. All I can say is your life will take its course and when you do (if you choose too) have children you will easily cradle their wobbly heads with your love.
Thanks so much for you comment...It's nice to know I am not alone in this great abyss!
I think you would be a way fun mom but I know that whole scared feeling and I don't envy that the decision is upon you now whereas who knows when i will get there. I have this huge fear that I will be a terrible mother. I didn't really have younger siblings either, just halves that I saw a couple weeks out of the year. I have a hard time relating to children. I think that is changing a little now but we'll see.
oh goodness, i am so so so the same as you. i know EXACTLY what you mean. and i have been afraid to say it. like you say, there is really no going back and that is so scary. i'm not 'baby hungry' and i don't know if i ever will be. but i do feel that my life is a very self-absorbed, indulgent dreamy life. when i look into my little niece's eyes i think, wow.. there is something so good about this little human being. i love her to pieces. raising her, though of course, would be a completely different thing. and am i up for that?! it is jumping into the unknown. it's like getting the job that you don't know if you have any qualifications for until you're signed up and dressed in your suit and there on the first day. i thought i could just fall into motherhood, but it seems to be this tough choice to change your life for good. so glad you put it into words.
You speak my heart.
But I know your kids will be blessed to have you as their mom.
Sometimes it's easier if it just happens and then you can say "Oh crap, I didn't plan this, and....
then you didn't knowingly change your life forever. Marriage was a big step for you, as I know Motherhood will be, BUT, I don't know anyone who takes on and handles challenges better than you. (You've had lots of practice)
You will be a wonderful Mother and there will come a point when you want to fulfill the greatest gift God gave you. You can't even fathom the growth you will experience. I love you and you know I won't be sad when the day comes that you tell me "your life is changed forever."
I hear you! I can definitely relate... But, I love, love Hanna's comment: so beautiful.
There's hope for us yet!
The great baby debate continues. You know how when you get sick of your hair and you obsess and obsess about whether you should cut it or not and then you finally just make the appointment and chop it off...do you think it's like that??? My hair is already short. What does that mean for me?
I found I was less interested in 'freedom' and material items once I had my baby...just another perspective. :)
I have been married for six years. I remember on my wedding night as we were driving I saw a baby in the car next to us, my heart stopped and I thought, "oh hell no!". That feeling was so strong, I still don't have kids. I grew up around babies, I am good with babies and kids. I think I am going to be a good mom, that does not worry me. I point to your recent blog "Divorce Sucks", that worries me.
KB-Like every new step in our lives it is the fear of the unknown. Remember how you felt about marriage before you got married? Now that you're married its the greatest thing ever! Its the same with motherhood. Its amazing how naturally everything comes once you hold that baby in your arms. Becoming a mother is the best thing I have ever done. I have a fear of having baby number 2 because it is unfamiliar. I know I can love one baby with everything I have, but its hard tho think about loving another just as much. I'm at a similar crossroads because we need to start thinking about another baby in the near but hopefully more distant future. You're going to be a great mother. I promise, babies are much better than dogs!
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