My clothes arn't fitting me...

For so long I have had an identity, identities plural I suppose, titles that I made and confirmed WHO I WAS. It was never a difficult question for me to answer when someone asked what I did, qualities I liked about myself or where I was headed next. I was confident, I was secure and I had esteem. When you think esteem issues my guess would be all of us would defer back to our adolescent years when what was "cool" and being "hot" was not something limited to only changing with the weather. But not me, I was steady and secure. The soccer player, The pianist, The sewer, The socialite, The fish processor, The student, The 1st counselor, the girlfriend, The wake boarder, The snowboarder, The business owner, The counselor, The crisis worker and the wife. These are all labels I have worn throughout my life, some mutually exclusive while others simultaneous and some I still wear today. I have always been 2 steps ahead of myself, when I settled into something else, I had something in the wings that was always waiting for me to transition in to. My life has mostly been the pursuit and obtaining of something and I've always had something to obtain and pursue. AND I have always felt right about it...until now. At 27 when my current identities feel like old worn out clothing and yet I have nothing to change in to. I know who I have been but I continue to struggle with who I am right now. The question that replays in my mind like an old 8-track on repeat is this: How am I supposed to be spending my time right now? To be honest with you, when I look into the future I currently don't see anything, not like a depressive state where the future is bleak but I literally don't see anything. The canvas remains blank and I the painter stare eyes glazed with paint and brush in hand and no idea of what to paint next. The obvious next hat to wear is Mother, but what does that look like? A part of me wonders if this is my maker's way of finally turning to HIM to ask who I am, my purpose and how I should be spending my time. If that is the plan, it's working.--@DP

Life's Timing

Think back to when you were 14 maybe 17 possibly even 6 years old and all of the plans you would lay out for your life. "I'll graduate from High school, go to college, get married at 24, get pregnant 2 years later at 26 so "we" can enjoy our time together, have 3 children..." Sound familiar to anyone? What was never taught or discussed is when you reach 24, you're done doing YOUR things, the prince of your dreams isn't just there waiting for you, in fact you haven't even met him and sit single and dating a bunch of non-committal or not-right guys which really sets your plans back a few. You get married at 26, 2 years later, after meeting many princes but not THE prince, then when it comes to having kids 2 years later, according to the plan, TRYING gets a whole new meaning, and maybe take you longer than 2. In fact trying just meant, "Kay I'm ready, let my pregnancy begin" assuming that getting pregnant simply happens. I guess what's the amazing part about life is when you project into your future, you are projecting your current self from your current age. You dream of life as you basically have known life or know it currently. So when you are 17 you look at your future from a 17 year old perspective, or from a 14 year old perspective or a 27 year old perspective. What's not taken into account is all of the unpredictable events, timing that is much bigger than your own and all of the ways you will grow-up, change, and develop your perspective and experience base. I have learned and relearned that some of the best things in my life were not planned for at all, the way the timing of the events actually happened was far better than what I could have timed, and all of the new things introduced into my life because of life's spontaneity were incredible.--@DP

To Seek Satisfaction

I had supervision today for my profession and one of the topics we discussed was being satisfied, satisfied with where you are at, where life is at, where your relationships are at. Thinking about this, I think I am conditionally satisfied. Yes I love my life, my "relationship" and relationships but I have always struggled with being in a continual effort to take most things in my life to that next level...whatever "that" level may be. What is the balance between continuing to improve, pushing, striving vs. being content, going with the flow, and being? If I really boiled this down and oversimplified it would be a battle between lazy and ambitious, fluid and structured, human-being and human-doing but all of those terms seem to lay on the extreme ends of the spectrum and my life is far too vivid to be stuck in the black and white. So what is that balance where you are comfortable but not so comfortable you regress and not seeking out growth constantly at the expense of being and enjoying where you are?

I struggle with finding how to maximize my calling, I struggle to find and understand what my calling even is, I struggle with identifying who I am at this stage in my life. I want to have a feeling of satisfaction of contentment...I guess that is something that I really am searching for right now. I just want to be in a place where I am satisfied. However, with my religious beliefs I am not sure if the structure of our life plan is to live comfortably because we are to experience much pain and tribulation along with major joy and happiness for the betterment of our selves. How do I define myself now that I am a wife but I enjoy work, ideas, life? How do my husband and I redefine male/female roles but honor the strengths and realities of the sexes in our lives? What do I want to be doing with my time? There are so many messages out there ready to define you, ready to corner you into a box, ready to seduce you into beliefs that may not be true for you.

Is it a matter of gratitude, a shift from looking at things from a deficiency standpoint? Is it looking at all you have around you, humbly noting all of the blessings both subtle and obtuse?

How have the many women out there found peace and contentment in their lives? The mothers, the academics, the artists, the wives, the business women, the professionals? If you can hear me... --@DP

Mommy Dearest

Oh for the last 2 months or so there have been feelings, impressions, call it what you will...but thoughts in my heart about becoming a mom. I say they are feelings in my heart because my mind kicks into over drive countering any idea of the mother notion. Fact: I'm not baby hungry. Fact: I have selfish motives for not having children right now. Fact: I'm scared I won't be able to get pregnant. Fact: I don't want to give up my independence. Truth: There is something bigger than me and all my facts pushing me in a direction I'm not ready for nor do I feel like I will ever be ready for. Two dogs are hard enough, take a lot of work, and are expensive. I have always liked to idea of kids because they haven't ever been so close to a reality. Now that I am at a point in my life where I could actually have, care for and provide for a child...the idea isn't so swell. My friend brought over a book called, "I am a Mother." I am trying to get through it, but it's very hard for me because I am just not ready to go there yet. There is a part of me that knows once you go there, there is no going back and that's just scary. I'm a youngest, I didn't have any younger siblings, younger cousins...I don't know how to be a mom or care for babies. I don't even know how to hold them upright when their necks are still wobbly. I haven't changed a diaper in literally a decade...at least. I had a great mother growing up and have a great mother now. My sister is a great mother, I love her kids. I love her kids because they are not my kids. I think when I was little I thought you'd arrive when you were an adult and life would just become simple because you knew it all and well, you were an adult so you had feelings and outlook like an adult. So I guess I ask, where is the adult in me? Where is the mother in me? Where do I fit in this whole thing right now in my life?

Cause and Effect

As I have been researching the Privatization of Water by major US corporations in other countries, it "caused" me to think about our actions and their results, which led to the "effect" of writing this blog. How often do we, as Americans, stop to think about the effect of our actions? When was the last time you took your trash out and thought,"now where does all this trash go?", or how 'bout turning on your light switch thinking, "Wow, this is incredible that this electricity is brought all the way to my house from a little (or big) electrical plant"? I guess my point is I think as American's we often tend to be entitled little children that think very little about how our actions will impact both the immediate and long term picture. Case and point, look at insurance...it covers the effect, but will not pay to prevent the cause. We just deal with the aftermath. Europe, Canada and other progressively green countries have had recycling and other green initiatives for a long time now where in America we are now reacting to where we have driven our planet to. Sometimes the attitude of our country, which I love and appreciate, drives me nuts.