Today Jake gave a great lesson in the Gospel Essentials class on the restoration of the gospel. He shared how he has been converted not just one time but approximately 7 times. This caused me to think about my marriage and how I have been converted the first time by actually getting married and now that I am married, I have converted a few times or rather, recommitted, to my marriage and being a better wife. Jake made the point that as faithful members of the Gospel we should continually seek to be reconverted always and I say as faithful members of marriage, we too should continually seek to be reconverted.
A while back, my sister talked to me about a presentation she attended that talked about marriage in relation to the kingdoms. For example, those living a telestial marriage are looking at it and wondering, "What's in it for me? And if YOU are not making me happy, then I am outta here." A Terestial marriage looks a little more selfless where you are willing to look at your partner's needs before your own, AS LONG AS, they are doing the same. More of a "I will love you as long you love me back, I will give to you as long as you give back to me." Lastly, A Celestial Marriage is absolute Selflessness, it's, "I will love you...Period." Up until today, i thought for the most part I lived a Terestial marriage, but humility has shown me that I will dabble with Terestial for a couple weeks at a time until I become very self-aware, get angry and move to a Telestial state and say repeatedly, "What's in it for me? YOU are not loving me infact, what are you doing for me at all?"
My honest reaction to my realization? I'm not sure if I could let go and trust myself or Jake enough to live day-to-day in Terrestial marriage, let alone truely let go enough to live a Celestial marriage. It's frightening and fear based for me. I fear the unknown and wonder if my partner would just soak up my love and not give back at all. History has proven this to not be true, but these thoughts are the very thoughts that keep me stuck in my current perspective state with my marriage.
In Jake's lesson he talked about how the same scripture that Joseph came across that dropped him to his knees (If ANY of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God) applies to everyone regarding anything where you are indeed lacking wisdom. He made a great point about those moments in life where we simply say, "I don't know" and using those as our guide posts and indicators to invite the Lord in and ask for his wisdom. That scripture promises that God will give liberally. And so I will start with one area of my many where I lack wisdom, faith and courage. So I am going to take Jake up on his challenge, to find something and go through the wisdom seeking process:
1. Serious Reflection
2. More Reflection
3. Ask of God
4. Pray Vocally
5. In Solitude
6. Receive your Answer
I have been reading some wonderful talks today about how to increase your faith in marriage, increase humility, live celestially. Ultimately, I would like to write my own thoughts on this topic but I am just in the beginning of my quest. In the meantime and if you are interested, let me point you to the following talks.
You can find these on LDS.org and simply enter the titles in the SEARCH bar on the homepage:
Is there trust in your marriage? -- Christie Frandsen
The pitfalls of a paralell marriage -- Charles Beckertt
1 comment:
Kris...
Nice to "see" you again. I was happy to find you on my blog. I retreated from a lot recently - it felt like I had to - perhaps how a plant must establish a root system before it can blossom. It is good to read your words here, and reminds me that although our friendship lives on without daily interaction, I long for that interaction. I miss you and your thoughts, and all that we have to learn together.
I, too, struggle with this challenge -- celestial love. I have desires for a marriage of such love and service - a God-like, celestial love, where one loves because love itself is the way. The only way. It is the greatest truth and the only plan of happiness. God does not love because of what we are or what we can give him, and it is this kind of love that he desires we learn. But how?
I want to love my husband like that - and at times, I feel I do. But, too often, it also comes crashing around me like books off a top shelf, where I am a child trying to reach higher than my grasp extends. Why are we blessed/cursed with desires that surpass our abilities?
I thank heaven, however, that I have a forgiving and patient husband - a husband with whom I can learn. He is not without flaws either, but thankfully, he accepts this "unfinished-ness" in both of us, and endures my flaws with a patience and wisdom that outweighs my own. (I married "up" in this and other ways).
Perhaps I remain affected by my past -- I loved indiscriminately and paid the price with my tears and my trust. I seek to renew and revitalize that trust -- though this seems like only a step to terrestrial love. For in celestial love, is it our lover whom we trust -- or is it the goodness of love itself?
The ironic thing is, I blindly entrusted those who didn't know how to love, and abused the love I gave them, and now I'm struggling to show trust to the one who has loved me best of all. Why is it that he has to pay for the crimes of other men? All I know is that I have wounds that have not completely healed over, wounds that my husband did not give me, but cleans and dresses nonetheless. That is love.
I admire your courage to speak of such things.
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