Life's Timing

Think back to when you were 14 maybe 17 possibly even 6 years old and all of the plans you would lay out for your life. "I'll graduate from High school, go to college, get married at 24, get pregnant 2 years later at 26 so "we" can enjoy our time together, have 3 children..." Sound familiar to anyone? What was never taught or discussed is when you reach 24, you're done doing YOUR things, the prince of your dreams isn't just there waiting for you, in fact you haven't even met him and sit single and dating a bunch of non-committal or not-right guys which really sets your plans back a few. You get married at 26, 2 years later, after meeting many princes but not THE prince, then when it comes to having kids 2 years later, according to the plan, TRYING gets a whole new meaning, and maybe take you longer than 2. In fact trying just meant, "Kay I'm ready, let my pregnancy begin" assuming that getting pregnant simply happens. I guess what's the amazing part about life is when you project into your future, you are projecting your current self from your current age. You dream of life as you basically have known life or know it currently. So when you are 17 you look at your future from a 17 year old perspective, or from a 14 year old perspective or a 27 year old perspective. What's not taken into account is all of the unpredictable events, timing that is much bigger than your own and all of the ways you will grow-up, change, and develop your perspective and experience base. I have learned and relearned that some of the best things in my life were not planned for at all, the way the timing of the events actually happened was far better than what I could have timed, and all of the new things introduced into my life because of life's spontaneity were incredible.--@DP

"The Finer Things Club...It's a Pretty Exclusive Club"

On last weeks office, we were introduced to the highly exclusive Finer Things Club whereby you only get to participate IF you receive an invite from one of the members. Even if you are an Andy type and try and get your way in by reading what "they" read, dressing how "they" dress and talking how "they" talk, if you're not personally invited, you're not in.

This has been an ongoing battle for me in my life, wanting to be a part of a "club" or a group of friends, but enjoying being a floater and hanging out with ALL of the different groups. In high school I was friends with the jocks, the skaters, the loners, the preppies and even a few Gothics. I had 2 best-friends as my core, but having friends from all walks really kept my life interesting and edifying. I really like the idea of having a solid go-to group of friends but feel it can at times be pretty limiting, especially, for the extrovert in me who loves rather thrives on meeting new people.

However, there are pro's and con's to both the floater and the groupie. If you are part of a group when it comes to gatherings you are ALWAYS included because you're...a part of the group. You have friends that you go through life with and are woven tightly into your life story. Now if you don't go to a group gathering inevitably you will get harassed because it's a group gathering and when they mean group that means you. You also end up giving a lot of your social time to this group which for many is no big deal. The nice about a group, however, is you always belong somewhere.

For the floater, you get to go to a lot of different events with a lot of different people, which for me, can be a lot of fun. Trips, gatherings, parties, dinners, weekends all with different people BUT if it's a group thing you risk not getting invited because you're not a given as a part of "the group." Being a floater can take a little more effort simply because you have more people to stay in touch with if you choose to not be with a group and if you want more of a social life then sitting home and blogging about a scene in the office that reminded you of something or who knows what. But if you can make the effort life can be pretty spicy!

What does this have to do with anything? I've recently started with some other couples a "club" if you will. Part of the club is we do dinner once a month but it's not an open invite, which for me has already been quite the challenge. If one of the couples is interested in having another couple join, then you bring the other couple to some other hangout session so the club can see how things mesh. This is all so counter-intuitive to me because I have, for the most part, been a more the merrier type girl. Which, as many can attest to, has made for some rather awkward or not as comfortable as it could be gatherings. AND I am always along the lines of, I like 'em so everyone will like 'em.

For all of my life I have never prescribed to a group unless soccer or other sports count. I've liked my freedom of roaming but have envied the luxury of always being included. This new club I think will be a good balance where I have a group of friends to belong to while still being able to go out and do my floater thing...The Dinner Club..I guess we're pretty exclusive :)--@DP

White Privilege

There are those moment where you are reminded. You are reminded that the way you experience life is not the way majority of people experience life. You are reminded that you are in circumstances unique to you--given advantages simply by your placement, your color and you did nothing to earn that.

White privilege was introduced to me Fall 2005 at the University of Utah in my Diversity Class. Admittedly, I listened to the idea of White Privilege but left it at that...an idea. However, in a matter of days filled with in depth discussions White Privilege moved from an idea into a reality and became my reality. One of the first articles I received was by a female author named Peggy McIntosh titled: White Privilege; Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack. This concept, these facts, were very painful for me when I realized the pain it caused for those around me who were not white. White Privilege can be summarized as: The unearned, unjustified advantages not automatically afforded to people of color in this country and generally taken for granted by those of us who are classified as “white.” It is the reality that contrasts with the sincere fiction of the American myth of meritocracy, which says that everything we have must have been earned.

I still remember my professor asking the mostly white classroom,"When was the last time, here in Utah, you were described as 'the white girl?' As a person who is white, you have a name. You are referenced as Kristin, not as 'Do you know the black girl in our class?" ONE: That hadn't ever happened to me and TWO: I haven't ever even HAD to think about IF that had happened to me before this class BECAUSE ...I'm white.

Heidi Schlumpf said, "White privilege is also about what we white people don’t get: the multiple May-I-help-you’s when we enter high-end shops, always being asked for ID when we use our credit cards, the hassle of being pulled over by police officers for “driving while black.” It can be as simple as knowing that history books, greeting cards, even Band-Aids will include our skin color, or as complex as not having to worry that no matter what we do -- positive or negative -- it will not be a reflection of our entire race. No one ever says, “Isn’t it great how that white person won the Pulitzer Prize this year” or “Look at that white mass murderer.”

To counter the repulsive idea of being even remotely a racist most of us choose to share the perspective of being "color blind" or "I view us ALL the same." Though it may sound nice in theory it states you don't see their color, their culture their community. If you are in a classroom with Mexicans, Black Americans and say,"I just see kids", you are denying them their very identity.

Jamie T. Phelps of Xavier University in New Orleans stated,"The sad truth about white privilege is that it not only harms people of color, but also damages the lives, psyches and souls of white people. We need a mutual conversion from the unbalanced reality of white superiority and black inferiority, I don’t think black people and brown people are the only victims of racism. White folks are also victims of racism, but they’re in denial about it,” she said. White privilege is the other side of the coin of racism. And you’re not going to solve the problem by addressing white privilege in isolation from racism.”

In our smalls world we may construct these stories we believe to be true about racism and white privilege. We may believe or tell ourselves, "Racism is a thing of the past. Our country, in all it's advancement and progressiveness, is beyond discriminating against a person of color." The fact is it exists today as much as it ever has. There is definite improvement, but when you learn in 2001 that outside the "Parameter" in Atlanta a high school was celebrating their first integrated prom? And not because it was beyond time to have an integrated prom, but because the kids fought the administration and their parents to be granted permission to have an integrated prom...We have a long way to still go.

You can choose to read this post and never think about this concept another day in your life, but remember, to not HAVE to think about it? That's a privilege. --@DP

To learn more about White Privilege you can view the following links:
White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack
Owning Unearned White Privilege
Diversity Vs. White Privilege
Defining White Privilege
The Angry Black Woman
White Like Me: Reflections on Race From a Privileged Son
Whiteness in the News

Did We Learn About Any Of This In HERStory?...I Mean, HIStory.

ALICE PAUL
Where did this information go if not in our classrooms when we were learning that Women got the vote in 1920? Prior to seeing the movie, Iron Jawed Angels, I knew women got the vote in 1920, but I had no idea the cost it took to get the vote and the amazing bravery behind this effort. HBO produced this movie starring Hilary Swank telling the story of Suffrage with a contemporary twist. Alice Paul, the leader behind the movement, is a heroin that was never mentioned in any of my history books nor included in any of the stories surrounding suffrage. I had no idea hundreds of women went to prison trying to get the vote, that women were force fed raw eggs through feeding tubes as a means to get them to stop picketing the president to get the vote, that women were harassed, violently acted upon and seen as "insane" due to their desire to have a say in the very laws they were expected to abide by. My very own Great Grandmother Susa Y Gates, was a leader for the suffrage movement in the west. These nameless women were strong, they were brave and they fought for the luxury we now have today of voting. It's high time we start balancing out HIStory and teaching our children how women received the vote and how far from casual the process was. --@DP

To Seek Satisfaction

I had supervision today for my profession and one of the topics we discussed was being satisfied, satisfied with where you are at, where life is at, where your relationships are at. Thinking about this, I think I am conditionally satisfied. Yes I love my life, my "relationship" and relationships but I have always struggled with being in a continual effort to take most things in my life to that next level...whatever "that" level may be. What is the balance between continuing to improve, pushing, striving vs. being content, going with the flow, and being? If I really boiled this down and oversimplified it would be a battle between lazy and ambitious, fluid and structured, human-being and human-doing but all of those terms seem to lay on the extreme ends of the spectrum and my life is far too vivid to be stuck in the black and white. So what is that balance where you are comfortable but not so comfortable you regress and not seeking out growth constantly at the expense of being and enjoying where you are?

I struggle with finding how to maximize my calling, I struggle to find and understand what my calling even is, I struggle with identifying who I am at this stage in my life. I want to have a feeling of satisfaction of contentment...I guess that is something that I really am searching for right now. I just want to be in a place where I am satisfied. However, with my religious beliefs I am not sure if the structure of our life plan is to live comfortably because we are to experience much pain and tribulation along with major joy and happiness for the betterment of our selves. How do I define myself now that I am a wife but I enjoy work, ideas, life? How do my husband and I redefine male/female roles but honor the strengths and realities of the sexes in our lives? What do I want to be doing with my time? There are so many messages out there ready to define you, ready to corner you into a box, ready to seduce you into beliefs that may not be true for you.

Is it a matter of gratitude, a shift from looking at things from a deficiency standpoint? Is it looking at all you have around you, humbly noting all of the blessings both subtle and obtuse?

How have the many women out there found peace and contentment in their lives? The mothers, the academics, the artists, the wives, the business women, the professionals? If you can hear me... --@DP

"You've Got Me Suicidal?"

The timing couldn't have been more impeccable. Leaving the University of Utah ER after my shift Saturday evening (I am a Crisis Worker), I make it to my car and am greeted by a Hip Hop song that wreaks of distorted but all too common relationship ideals in our country. It is a song by Sean Kingston, whom I have never heard of, and is about a beautiful girl that when she ends the relationship, makes him well...suicidal. Here is the chorus that is repeated over and over, it should actually be named Suicidal, not Beautiful girl.

Your way to beautiful girl
that's why it will never work
you had me suicidal, suicidal
when you say it's over
damn all these beautiful girl
they only wanna do you dirt
they'll have you suicidal suicidal
when they say it's over

If it weren't so completely curious to me, I would have changed the station because the song was not in the least something I would actually listen to. But it grabbed me because of the message it was sending. There have been songs through the era's that have been questionable, but never have any of them been so blunt as to say, "I am going to kill myself now that you are gone." Sounds like Romance Spirit to me. Nothing let me know the guy was really into me like a good suicidal threat..."Oh sweety, I had no idea, I love you too?!" Is that the message we are sending about relationships these days? Your world becomes a Beautiful Girl or a Beautiful boy and if it's over you become suicidal because life is simply not worth living anymore? Where's the sense of self, the self-esteem, the self-worth...or just having a life? Life is full of good-byes and disappointments, let's tap into a little bit more emotional skill in dealing with them and teach our kids the same. Let's face it, our teenagers are going to break-up with every person they fall in love with or date until they find the one. Let's challenge the type of relationships the media present s to us and our children and help them healthily navigate the crazy world of love.

Here's an article to check your thinking about relationships:

BECK ON CALL
Silly Love Songs

Is it love, or a mutual strangulation society? Martha Beck shows you five ways to get a real grip on the real thing.

In a folktale that has been retold for centuries in many variations (one of which is Shakespeare's King Lear), an elderly king asks his three daughters how much they love him. The two older sisters deliver flowery speeches of filial adoration, but the youngest says only "I love you as meat loves salt." The king, insulted by this homely simile, banishes the youngest daughter and divides his kingdom between the older two, who promptly kick him out on his royal heinie. He seeks refuge in the very house where his third daughter is working as a scullery maid. Recognizing her father, the daughter asks the cook to prepare his meal without salt. The king eats a few tasteless mouthfuls, then bursts into tears. "All along," he cries, "it was my youngest daughter who really loved me!" The daughter reveals herself and all ends happily (except in King Lear, where pretty much everybody dies).

Each of the following five statements is the polar opposite of what most Americans see as loving commitment. But these are "meat loves salt" commitments, as necessary as they are unconventional. Only if you and your beloved can honestly say them to each other is your relationship likely to thrive.

1. I can live without you, no problem.

"I can't live," wails the singer, "if living is without you." The emotion that fuels this kind of relationship isn't love; it's desperation. It can feel romantic at first, but over time it invariably fails to meet either partner's needs.

If this is how you feel, don't start dating. Start therapy. Counseling can teach you how to get your needs met by the only person responsible for them: you. "I can live without you" is an assurance that sets the stage for real love.


2. My love for you will definitely change.

Most human beings seem innately averse to change. Once we've established some measure of comfort or stability, we want to nail it in place so that there's no possibility of loss. Unfortunately, this is another promise that is more likely to scuttle a relationship than shore it up.

The reason is that everything—and everyone—is constantly changing. We age, grow, learn, get sick, get well, gain weight, lose weight, find new interests and drop old ones. Many people fear that if their love is free to change, it will vanish. The opposite is true. A love that is allowed to adapt to new circumstances is virtually indestructible.

3. You're not everything I need.

I'm a big fan of sexual monogamy, but I'm puzzled by lovers who claim that their romantic partner is the only person they need in their lives or that time together is the only activity necessary for emotional fulfillment. Humans are designed to live in groups, explore ideas, and constantly learn new skills. Trying to get all this input from one person is like trying to get a full range of vitamins by eating only ice cream. When a couple believes "We must fulfill all of each other's needs, each becomes exhausted by the effort to be all things to the other and neither can develop fully as an individual.

Sacrificing all our individual needs doesn't strengthen a relationship. Mutually supporting each other's personal growth does.

4. I won't always hold you close.

There's a thin line between a romantic statement like "I love you so much, I want to share my life with you until death do us part" and the lunatic-fringe anthem "I love you so much that if you try to leave me, I'll kill you." People who say such things love others the way spiders love flies; they love to capture them, wrap them in immobilizing fetters, and drain nourishment out of them at peckish moments. This is not the kind of love you want.

The way you can tell real love from spider love is simple: Possessiveness and exploitation involve controlling the loved one, whereas true love is based on setting the beloved free to make his or her own choices.

5. You and I aren't one.

Perhaps you are neither a spider nor a fly, but a chameleon who morphs to match the one you love. Or you may date chameleons, choosing partners who conform to your personality. Either way, you're not in a healthy relationship. In fact, you're not in a relationship at all.

If you're living by the "We are one" ideal, it's high time you found out how terrific love for two can be. Follow your heart in a direction your partner wouldn't go. Dare to explore your differences. Agree to disagree. If you're accustomed to disappearing, this will allow you to see that you can be loved as you really are. If you tend to dominate, you'll find out how interesting it is to love an actual person rather than a human mirror. --@DP

The Art of Boredom

The art of boredom is nothing more than the ability to occupy your mind and being while in the midst of a seemingly dry moment. When I used to encounter people who would say, "I am so bored" or "last night was so boring" I used think, "well I bet that is because you are boring and need to broaden yourself, your thoughts, increase your skills of observation...and you are probably well...high maintenance." My belief is this, there are those moments in life where you could technically be "bored", I honor and recognize those moments, but it's what we do in those moments that count. Move from being entertained dependent to entertainment independent. While at an event look at everyone's buttons on their shirts or locate small details on a wardrobe, at home pick up a book you haven't read in a while, find recipes, or delight in researching how to get your whites their whitest, sit and think about the galaxy or plan your next fabulous party. There is so much out there just waiting to be snatched up...Boredom is an art and their is an artist in us all :)--@DP