"You've Got Me Suicidal?"

The timing couldn't have been more impeccable. Leaving the University of Utah ER after my shift Saturday evening (I am a Crisis Worker), I make it to my car and am greeted by a Hip Hop song that wreaks of distorted but all too common relationship ideals in our country. It is a song by Sean Kingston, whom I have never heard of, and is about a beautiful girl that when she ends the relationship, makes him well...suicidal. Here is the chorus that is repeated over and over, it should actually be named Suicidal, not Beautiful girl.

Your way to beautiful girl
that's why it will never work
you had me suicidal, suicidal
when you say it's over
damn all these beautiful girl
they only wanna do you dirt
they'll have you suicidal suicidal
when they say it's over

If it weren't so completely curious to me, I would have changed the station because the song was not in the least something I would actually listen to. But it grabbed me because of the message it was sending. There have been songs through the era's that have been questionable, but never have any of them been so blunt as to say, "I am going to kill myself now that you are gone." Sounds like Romance Spirit to me. Nothing let me know the guy was really into me like a good suicidal threat..."Oh sweety, I had no idea, I love you too?!" Is that the message we are sending about relationships these days? Your world becomes a Beautiful Girl or a Beautiful boy and if it's over you become suicidal because life is simply not worth living anymore? Where's the sense of self, the self-esteem, the self-worth...or just having a life? Life is full of good-byes and disappointments, let's tap into a little bit more emotional skill in dealing with them and teach our kids the same. Let's face it, our teenagers are going to break-up with every person they fall in love with or date until they find the one. Let's challenge the type of relationships the media present s to us and our children and help them healthily navigate the crazy world of love.

Here's an article to check your thinking about relationships:

BECK ON CALL
Silly Love Songs

Is it love, or a mutual strangulation society? Martha Beck shows you five ways to get a real grip on the real thing.

In a folktale that has been retold for centuries in many variations (one of which is Shakespeare's King Lear), an elderly king asks his three daughters how much they love him. The two older sisters deliver flowery speeches of filial adoration, but the youngest says only "I love you as meat loves salt." The king, insulted by this homely simile, banishes the youngest daughter and divides his kingdom between the older two, who promptly kick him out on his royal heinie. He seeks refuge in the very house where his third daughter is working as a scullery maid. Recognizing her father, the daughter asks the cook to prepare his meal without salt. The king eats a few tasteless mouthfuls, then bursts into tears. "All along," he cries, "it was my youngest daughter who really loved me!" The daughter reveals herself and all ends happily (except in King Lear, where pretty much everybody dies).

Each of the following five statements is the polar opposite of what most Americans see as loving commitment. But these are "meat loves salt" commitments, as necessary as they are unconventional. Only if you and your beloved can honestly say them to each other is your relationship likely to thrive.

1. I can live without you, no problem.

"I can't live," wails the singer, "if living is without you." The emotion that fuels this kind of relationship isn't love; it's desperation. It can feel romantic at first, but over time it invariably fails to meet either partner's needs.

If this is how you feel, don't start dating. Start therapy. Counseling can teach you how to get your needs met by the only person responsible for them: you. "I can live without you" is an assurance that sets the stage for real love.


2. My love for you will definitely change.

Most human beings seem innately averse to change. Once we've established some measure of comfort or stability, we want to nail it in place so that there's no possibility of loss. Unfortunately, this is another promise that is more likely to scuttle a relationship than shore it up.

The reason is that everything—and everyone—is constantly changing. We age, grow, learn, get sick, get well, gain weight, lose weight, find new interests and drop old ones. Many people fear that if their love is free to change, it will vanish. The opposite is true. A love that is allowed to adapt to new circumstances is virtually indestructible.

3. You're not everything I need.

I'm a big fan of sexual monogamy, but I'm puzzled by lovers who claim that their romantic partner is the only person they need in their lives or that time together is the only activity necessary for emotional fulfillment. Humans are designed to live in groups, explore ideas, and constantly learn new skills. Trying to get all this input from one person is like trying to get a full range of vitamins by eating only ice cream. When a couple believes "We must fulfill all of each other's needs, each becomes exhausted by the effort to be all things to the other and neither can develop fully as an individual.

Sacrificing all our individual needs doesn't strengthen a relationship. Mutually supporting each other's personal growth does.

4. I won't always hold you close.

There's a thin line between a romantic statement like "I love you so much, I want to share my life with you until death do us part" and the lunatic-fringe anthem "I love you so much that if you try to leave me, I'll kill you." People who say such things love others the way spiders love flies; they love to capture them, wrap them in immobilizing fetters, and drain nourishment out of them at peckish moments. This is not the kind of love you want.

The way you can tell real love from spider love is simple: Possessiveness and exploitation involve controlling the loved one, whereas true love is based on setting the beloved free to make his or her own choices.

5. You and I aren't one.

Perhaps you are neither a spider nor a fly, but a chameleon who morphs to match the one you love. Or you may date chameleons, choosing partners who conform to your personality. Either way, you're not in a healthy relationship. In fact, you're not in a relationship at all.

If you're living by the "We are one" ideal, it's high time you found out how terrific love for two can be. Follow your heart in a direction your partner wouldn't go. Dare to explore your differences. Agree to disagree. If you're accustomed to disappearing, this will allow you to see that you can be loved as you really are. If you tend to dominate, you'll find out how interesting it is to love an actual person rather than a human mirror. --@DP

The Art of Boredom

The art of boredom is nothing more than the ability to occupy your mind and being while in the midst of a seemingly dry moment. When I used to encounter people who would say, "I am so bored" or "last night was so boring" I used think, "well I bet that is because you are boring and need to broaden yourself, your thoughts, increase your skills of observation...and you are probably well...high maintenance." My belief is this, there are those moments in life where you could technically be "bored", I honor and recognize those moments, but it's what we do in those moments that count. Move from being entertained dependent to entertainment independent. While at an event look at everyone's buttons on their shirts or locate small details on a wardrobe, at home pick up a book you haven't read in a while, find recipes, or delight in researching how to get your whites their whitest, sit and think about the galaxy or plan your next fabulous party. There is so much out there just waiting to be snatched up...Boredom is an art and their is an artist in us all :)--@DP

Divorce Sucks

My title pretty much says it all and like my brother said tonight, "Divorce is the gift that just keeps on giving." You know, sometimes I wonder if death would be easier than divorce because you can deal with the pain, heal and move on. With divorce, you may as well have a knife stabbed in your heart and have it slowly turning rotisserie style or a gaping wound with a slow drip of salt solution going until the day you die. For those out there who think kids are resilient and will get over it is unrealistic. Kids may learn how to get better at dealing with it and get used to the situation, the emotions may be stronger at times and dormant other times, but to assume or expect that it goes away is highly unlikely. My parents divorced approximately 10 years ago and it still rears it's head in my life. Though their divorce wasn't ugly or mean, which was a giant blessing, the crumble of your family is simply not an easy thing no matter how it is sliced. I have learned a lot and continue to learn a lot. I have new perspective on marriage and not hoping it will work out but actively putting effort to make it work, implementing good practices of communication and having those crucial conversations. But plain and simple: Divorce sucks...it just sucks.--@DP

Blogging Rights

Just a thought...blogging is a really unique place in the sense that people comfortably and freely share of their successes, things they have created, new thoughts and victories. You don't often see this in day-to-day interaction because it may come across as arrogance, self-absorbtion, etc. But the blogosphere is the one place where you can have bragging rights...I mean blogging rights!--@DP

Mommy Dearest

Oh for the last 2 months or so there have been feelings, impressions, call it what you will...but thoughts in my heart about becoming a mom. I say they are feelings in my heart because my mind kicks into over drive countering any idea of the mother notion. Fact: I'm not baby hungry. Fact: I have selfish motives for not having children right now. Fact: I'm scared I won't be able to get pregnant. Fact: I don't want to give up my independence. Truth: There is something bigger than me and all my facts pushing me in a direction I'm not ready for nor do I feel like I will ever be ready for. Two dogs are hard enough, take a lot of work, and are expensive. I have always liked to idea of kids because they haven't ever been so close to a reality. Now that I am at a point in my life where I could actually have, care for and provide for a child...the idea isn't so swell. My friend brought over a book called, "I am a Mother." I am trying to get through it, but it's very hard for me because I am just not ready to go there yet. There is a part of me that knows once you go there, there is no going back and that's just scary. I'm a youngest, I didn't have any younger siblings, younger cousins...I don't know how to be a mom or care for babies. I don't even know how to hold them upright when their necks are still wobbly. I haven't changed a diaper in literally a decade...at least. I had a great mother growing up and have a great mother now. My sister is a great mother, I love her kids. I love her kids because they are not my kids. I think when I was little I thought you'd arrive when you were an adult and life would just become simple because you knew it all and well, you were an adult so you had feelings and outlook like an adult. So I guess I ask, where is the adult in me? Where is the mother in me? Where do I fit in this whole thing right now in my life?

Cause and Effect

As I have been researching the Privatization of Water by major US corporations in other countries, it "caused" me to think about our actions and their results, which led to the "effect" of writing this blog. How often do we, as Americans, stop to think about the effect of our actions? When was the last time you took your trash out and thought,"now where does all this trash go?", or how 'bout turning on your light switch thinking, "Wow, this is incredible that this electricity is brought all the way to my house from a little (or big) electrical plant"? I guess my point is I think as American's we often tend to be entitled little children that think very little about how our actions will impact both the immediate and long term picture. Case and point, look at insurance...it covers the effect, but will not pay to prevent the cause. We just deal with the aftermath. Europe, Canada and other progressively green countries have had recycling and other green initiatives for a long time now where in America we are now reacting to where we have driven our planet to. Sometimes the attitude of our country, which I love and appreciate, drives me nuts.

Broadening the Definition of Pornography

The infamous Bachelor has come and gone. Bevin went out and Tessa moved in. For those of you watch the bachelor you might have noticed it has somewhat of an addictive lure to it. One that is enticing NOT because of the hot and steamy sex scenes but the unobtainable romance that you see week after week. Is pornography limited to only unrealistic, inappropriate sex? I don't think so. If you look at pornography, ultimately it steals the hearts of "men" away from their wives and families and gives them an unrealistic impression of what sex is, should be and ultimately could be...but they are not getting it in THEIR house. Sexual pornography doesn't show you the times when it's not "blow-out orgasmic sex", when it's just mundane or quick or simply at matter of function to create. Isn't Hollywood romance somewhat like that? We are shown the highlights of a relationship without being shown the lulls, the arguments, the communication glitches, the time when the guy actually DOES forget to call, etc. It has the ability to pull your heart away from your husband, and places an unrealistic expectation within a relationship of what is should be, and ultimately could be. The camera's role 24 hours a day for a week and we see what they want us to see, to create this fairytale fantasy. I am not sure that pornography is limited to only sexual...I believe "pornography" is anything that distorts your perception of reality and pulls your heart away from whom it is committed to.